Whatever you do — don't wait to forgive someone until they apologize, ask for your forgiveness or even acknowledge they have harmed you. If you are waiting for someone to acknowledge they hurt you, you could be waiting forever and it puts them in the power position, where you need something from them in order to move forward in your life. Closure is an act of sanity you bring to the table of your own healing, it is not a handout your abuser holds over you that you need. You have the power within yourself to find closure and healing, but not through bitterness, wrath and smoldering resentment. Forgiveness originates with self-love. Forgiveness is always and absolutely for you. Forgiveness has nothing whatsoever to do with how wrong someone else was; no matter how evil, cruel, narcissistic or unrepentant they are. When you forgive a person, you break the ties with their ill deeds that keep you in anguish. Forgiving breaks the unhealthy bonds between you and your abuser-victim relationship, and redefines you as an independent victor in your own life. Forgiving cuts the cord — freeing you — and leaves the abuser with the full weight of their deeds and fate, and whether they accept their responsibility or not, you are no longer dependent on their participation for your healing. You can hold no malice; you can forgive them, and you can then move on. Boundaries are an essential part of forgiveness.
They caused the first wound, but you are causing the rest; this is what not forgiving does. They got it started, but you keep it going. Forgive and let it go, or it will eat you alive. You think they made you feel this way, but when you won't forgive, you are the one inflicting the pain on yourself.
I promise you, that when you reach out to those you need to forgive, it is you that will be touched and healed. When you give others a new chance, a new chance is really being given to you. Let the power of forgiveness bless you and heal your agony and pain.
The best part, is when you do forgive, even selfishly, for yourself and your own sanity, and not because 'they' deserve it, something magical happens. You see, forgiveness, no matter how painful or difficult, is a gift. Forgiveness — is for giving. But the gift of forgiveness is a treasure that multiplies the more you try to spend it. Forgiveness blesses both the hand of the recipient and the giver. Forgiveness, no matter your motive, is a dynamic of mutual healing.
A good place to begin, is to forgive yourself for judging in the first place. Forgiveness is another way of saying, "I need to mind my own business." We all know we should not judge. We know judging others is usually unproductive — even when we are right. People are going to do bad things we don't like — even terribly hurtful things. If you try to hold people to your standard of conduct you will go mad with disappointment and grief. Forgiveness is not a magnanimous act of generosity and benevolence toward others. Forgiveness does not make you great, special or good. But forgiveness can help you to be sane. Through forgiveness you can be free of the tragedies and pain in other people's failures.
Be selfish in your forgiving. Forgive for yourself and for the peace it will bring to your pain. Forgiveness has very little to do with the other person. Forgiveness is about your peace of mind. When you don't forgive, you are the one who suffers. When we refuse to forgive someone, we deeply jeopardize our own well-being. When we condemn others we condemn ourselves. When we judge and agonize over another's faults, we become attached to their imbalance and sickness. When we hold-on to someone's imperfections we become emotionally pair-bonded to their maladies. At a deeper level, when we constantly meditate on another's faults, it may be because we are neglecting our own unhealed wounds.
Beneath your burdensome regrets and who you think you are through the lens of past mistakes, there is someone beautiful who wants to emerge. You are not your mistakes, and your mistakes are not you. You are so much more than your mistakes. Allow your truth to emerge. Your truth cannot emerge buried under a mountain of guilt and regret. Your past is like a bag of bricks; set it down and walk away. Quit collecting every painful word, memory, and mistake. Collect hope. Hope is lighter!
You have to make the decision to let go of the past if you want to move forward. Reliving your painful past will poison your heart and your tomorrow. If you look at today through the eyes of the past, you can never see what the present moment has to offer. Beating yourself up over every perceived mistake is the work of an internal abuser who must be restrained and reformed. The past is inaccessible. Almost all sadness comes from thinking about the past, and all worry from thinking about the future — present-mindedness is your only safe haven. Only in the present is your mind free to do what it does best — solve problems. The easiest way to leave the past behind is to remember that love does not live in the past, only memories — love lives in the present.
Oftentimes, our guilt over failing or disappointing someone exists only in our own minds. We torture ourselves senselessly over perceptions that others are judging us, when in reality they are not. Even worse, we brutalize ourselves over circumstances that are clearly beyond our control. Painful things happen in life. The fires of remorse, regret and guilt burn over us through our mourning, but only to make way for the new growth of life after our painful losses. Your suffering is there to inspect you and perfect you. We are made complete by our pain.
Even if you were terrible and injured people, you need to move forward and take care of yourself first. You can't do the best work on yourself if you are under the constant scrutiny of negativity and hatred. An atmosphere of guilt, blame and judgement is not a safe emotional space that fosters recovery. Someone's forgiveness will not heal you; condemnation or absolution is their test, not yours. Choose healing and inner-peace over guilt. Set down the pain. Walk away and work on yourself first. When you are at peace, resolved and strong you can reach out and begin to make reparations. Paralyzing guilt will not serve anyone's interest. Start thinking of your guilt as being selfish, because guilt blocks opportunities from arriving for you, and for those you care about.
